I thought instead of another critical post I should write one about what I’ve learned. Believe you me, I’ve learned a lot. Dear reader, I know little of this must make sense. How a blog can change so much, especially a blog that not many people care about. I still sometimes wish I hadn’t. Not because my life is worse–it’s not–but because it’s that much harder. I faced 30 years of trauma completely alone. For it I’ve received rejection, criticism. Sometimes–I dare say–hatred.
So what I’ve learned:
People who reject you as soon as you become fully yourself, fully alive, fully human… were never there to begin with.
If not following your gut got you into this mess, keep following it!
Knowing things and facing them are different. Of course you already knew all this. Don’t hide behind that.
Quick fixes to healing don’t exist. Healing doesn’t happen in five days.
Use your critical thinking! Those who fear you for it have baggage that shouldn’t be your problem.
Being alone momentarily won’t kill you. Accept support, but never give up integrity in order to get it.
Surround yourself with new people and new ideas. You cannot see dogma or water for what it is if it surrounds you.
Have some self-compassion. Given how hard this has been, how could you have years ago?
Don’t apologize for being you. Don’t let people think that being near you is them doing you a favour. If they can’t see you have value, that’s their loss.
The hardest day will not be the day of complete despair. Fireworks–coming “alive” in five days–being dopesick–are easy. The day you realize that’s all behind you will be tough.
Never let someone take your language or voice from you.
Don’t expect others to be as strong, to care, or to not run from you. If one person is still there, that’s something.
Systems do not change overnight. Change is still possible. If you care as much as you do, you’ll get angry. That’s okay. But just distract yourself, don’t fall back into Haven ideology of destroying furniture.
You wanted your original thesis to be wrong. You were more than right–you were more right than you let yourself be. That’s somewhat impressive.
Every day is moving forward, even/especially when it doesn’t feel like it.
Regardless of what anyone says–the 12 steps, the Haven, the preachers–you are you and that’s something.
Don’t resent people who say you have “a gift.” Don’t resent that gifts are seldom what they seem.
Smoke as many cigarettes as you need. What do Ben and Jock know about survival?
Keep surviving. It’s all you can do. No hero is coming. Come on, do you even remember how this started?
Always remember how it started but never lose track of where you’re headed.
Wear those pajamas with pride.