Flashbacks

As usual, when I brought something up, I had no idea of the significance. Now the significance is all too clear. Catharsis.

I know people think I should just move on. When I started this, I had no idea what was to come… I too wanted to think it would be easier. It would be more simple. I didn’t know the significance…

Of course I criticized catharsis–to a point–from the start. I didn’t have the awareness until now to face it. I have more flashbacks from Haven than from anywhere else combined. Why? Haven relies on bringing trauma to the surface, and the bigger the outburst, the greater the reward of acceptance. I often have flashbacks just from the very savior dynamic. Being used. Someone coming in for a hug, to grab a hold of me. I shout, go away! when no one is even there.

I am not your kid, not your pet, not your puppet.

The real strange part is that in expressing anger using words, I was always criticized. My words were picked apart. I was told that I didn’t understand the dynamic, I was merely lashing out at a shadow, I didn’t understand the other perspective… They always understood my life better than me, even after sometimes not having known me for more than days.

I am not your broken toy.

It is much healthier–according to all research on the matter–to calmly use words to express truth than to have emotional outbursts. That is what the research says. That is what my flashbacks also say. I have flashbacks because I already had trauma, something I could have healed from, but instead it was repeated and I became dependent on its continuing existence.

If you think I am just being overly critical, I did heal from trauma in rehab. Rehab was the best thing that ever happened to me. Haven was the worst.

So I thought this blog wouldn’t continue on forever because I thought this feeling wouldn’t go on forever, nor my flashbacks to actually get worse.

Strangely, The Haven claims they are doing science but cannot define science itself. I have come across much more research on the destructive power of:

labels, criticism, analysis, power, emotional over-involvement, roles of superiority–ignoring own truth and inner voice (internal locus of control)… And more…

I am just spending a rainy day hoping that it washes away the flashbacks, while knowing that it is unlikely.

Of course I didn’t know what I was going to be up against. How could I have kept going otherwise?

Did my personal history make me more susceptible to this type of dynamic? Of course!

Does that make it okay?

I think there should be a warning label on the website. I am not kidding. It would be more honest. We don’t follow ethics or research of other professional institutions. We don’t have training. We have no system for those who wish to complain. Scientists say this may do more harm than good. Use with caution.

People thought the first critics of cigarettes were mad too.

I don’t even have the energy to put a category or tag to this. Tag it as you wish. Categorize. Flush from memory.

Trust me, I am trying to do the same.

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