We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim.

Ellie Wiesel

It’s too soon for a proper epilogue but perhaps my attempt to force an ending was always going to fall short. I realize that this blog has also kept me sane through quite a bit…
I want to write a bit on shame. The above quote further aids some points I made on how relativism is used as a defense for those with power–being too morally evolved for morality never helps those without power. Being able to act as a moral authority is itself a power. And Nietzsche would agree, one of the most dangerous…

But on to shame. In rehab we learned that guilt is a healthy response to wishing one had acted better. Toxic shame is an unhealthy response to trauma where negative beliefs about the self are internalized.

The Haven believes that toxic shame is healthy. You feel like a monster because you are one so just own it… You didn’t just do something bad, you are a person who does bad things. You are bad…

I tried hard to accept the Haven version of shame. Why? Acceptance at rehab wasn’t conditional, acceptance at Haven was.

But this shame I feel for things that have happened to me IS toxic. It’s a cycle. We do bad things when we believe we are bad. It doesn’t take Freud to figure that out… I dissociated my way through most of the Haven insults. It was like a rat maze. I never got the cheese…

A lot of what I originally said has been proven by recent behaviour:

Those who wish not to conform are given no place to speak.

Those with power can do whatever they want.

In the role I was given, people only would love me if I was young, cute and broken.

To play a paternal role and then abandon is screwed up. To play a paternal role and then abandon because I found a voice… Words don’t exist for what that is.

Proving another point. I didn’t get to choose the play or the roles and the hero needs a victim or bad guy (I can remain the bad guy from a distance. Anyone who comes too close may risk finding out otherwise…)


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