Argumentative, provocative and suspicious.
That John Lennon quote from the last post got me thinking that perhaps it wasn’t the end.
Did you really think it would be that easy?
Today’s board letter–final letter.
This is a very hard decision for me to make. I don’t think I can keep waiting for acknowledgment from you. I’m tempted to leave the door open while not continuing to wait. I don’t think it’s possible for me to do that.
I’ve struggled to keep a balance between learning to speak up, value myself, try to be heard, without being crushed when I’m not acknowledged. I still have no regrets. But at some point I have to move on…
I don’t think you can possibly realize the negative effect some aspects of Haven have had on me. I took a risk by making it an institutional problem. On a personal level, it’s possible you’re capable of self-reflection. I’m not sure you’re capable on an institutional level. But when several leaders exhibit the exact same destructive pattern, that’s an institutional problem and it would be both unfair and fruitless to focus on the individuals.
Because I remember much of Haven culture and Haven gossip, I imagine that the conversations going on are vilifying me. That’s easy to do. I’m not sure how much of it is that you’re used to people patting you on the back, I was a homeless junkie when I showed up, or your main focus is merely protecting the institution. I know which is most painful.
Please do pass this on to whatever complaint committee exists. I want them to know how brutally hard this process has been for me.
Today I should get the report re CPCA complaint. Might send along. I also plan on editing my blog so that the recent bits are actually readable and useful. At the time I just had to get it out… I imagine you judge me for it, judge my personality, rather than look at what drove me to do it in the first place…
Even a simple “what happened wasn’t okay” would’ve meant the world to me. Even a “we hear you had some difficult experiences with us” would’ve made a difference. It is almost as if I cease to even exist when I do not conform (and half of the time even when I try to conform I cease to exist with you).
But now I must move on. I imagine you don’t want me emailing you but what good has ever come of the proper channels? I get the same response, or lack there of, either way… There’s only so much I can invest. It has been months and months. I’ve reached some new freedom but been through hell getting here.
(Deleted part about individuals).
That I no longer have the emotional energy to even send you a proper letter should be a sign.
So I have to end this chapter. The truth is, I think you ended it before it started. But I’m finally free and finally own myself again. In the end, I suppose that that was all I could hope for. Part of that was letting myself want more. And no, what happened wasn’t okay and yes, my experiences do matter, regardless of who I was then or who I am now, what happened matters. If you were advertising yourself as having no professional standards, ethics, or roles, I never would’ve had reason to speak out. At some point that’s got to come with responsibility and accountability.
Someone else’s fight now. I am too tired. But goddamnit, I had guts. That part feels good.
*A note for anyone who is brave/stupid/desperate/stubborn/resilient/angry/strong/rebellious/ridiculous/weird/crazy enough to make it their fight…
You are SUPER to me. Insert whatever’s your deal after SUPER. You know what mine was. And if your invisible cape grows holes, I am here. You are invisible to me now, but I believe you are out there, even if it works even if you don’t believe, I believe…
I put a picture of me and my cat and my Better Safe Than Surrey hoodie. Also, if you are wondering, the owl picture came from a drawing of an owl from the hospital. But that is in a poem so I will save it! (hint, Matrix Mad Pride coming out soon!)
In this moment it is okay, it is the end. That will not last long. But I will find somewhere else to focus on. If I can make it through all of this……. Whatever comes next must be SUPER also.