Flowers didn’t ask to be flowers…
It is impossible to explain the adjustment from Haven to the outside world. Lots of paranoia, confusion, etc. There have been times where I have thought that I should avoid the world until I am more recovered, but one doesn’t recover from a lifetime on the sidelines by sitting on the sidelines.
It is impossible to explain the long-term effects of everything you say or do being analyzed and dissected, being taught that people who aren’t insulting you do not care about you, and being taught that someone else is always the authority on everything that makes up who you are. I no longer trust ANY professionals. A huge problem, obviously.
No one from Haven has shown any interest. I have either been entirely ignored or told that they have no professional responsibility (if you look at their website, full of professional claims, this is hard to accept,) I have not gone through the proper channels (absurd since I tried those as well,) or that my story is plainly misguided and wrong. I have even been told that they never claimed to be counsellors.
When this started, I wasn’t even yet willing to call it a cult. It is a cult. Maybe it isn’t Scientology, but it is a cult.
I always had many challenges and things to recover from in life. However, my paranoia and nervous tics only appeared since the work/study, since my whole life became Haven…
I will stop fighting but if you think it’s someone else’s job to care, your voice matters to me. A simple acknowledgment. This is not a criticism, for I am gearing this towards those who will listen, I am gearing it towards those whose job it really isn’t to care.
There are those whose job it is. We all know where going to them goes… I imagine if I were someone else, they would pay attention. If I were Gabor Mate or something.
But I am and can only be myself.
If nothing else, for the first time I am allowed to decide who that is.
After all, Gabor Mate also would never have been hidden away in a closet. Our very invalidity makes us unable to speak about our invalidity. I had Haven leaders have meetings about me without my knowledge, outside of programs, off and on from 13-29. I never asked to be a project, never asked to be special. I just did as I was told.
I know I have been quite repetitive. It has been healing. I will go back and edit, hopefully, after all of this is over…
Sometimes we have to repeat ourselves until something sticks. This blog has largely been a process of throwing spaghetti at a wall. I cannot ever possibly explain to everyone why I had to do so publicly.
Perhaps the best I can explain is that I couldn’t live in that dark and musty Reps Centre any longer… Hidden from the world. Labelled in the same way the books and pictures I was labeling were.
It will never really be over, just as addiction didn’t end when I left rehab, but it will stop taking over my life and I will stop being afraid of those who speak to me as if I were a person.
And for anyone who actually buys into the claims that they don’t claim to offer counselling: