The first rule

The quote from the endless composed evidence for the hearing that stands out the most is my comment–all I ever did was give you what you wanted…

The people who tell me how awful I am are often the same who tell me that I am brilliant, which says nothing about who I am but a game we enter. My role is to argue with the brilliance and naively misunderstand the horror. If it truly were about brilliance, I would be allowed to believe it. If it were truly about my own horror, when I take it on like a cape or internalize my utter badness, this would be validation. Instead it is a threat.

This is the hero game at its height. It is easier to focus on the graduate papers the counsellor had me write for her other client after I got out of rehab, or the pills, or any of the other things mentioned. But the game is deeper than that.

One could say that I willingly entered this game, perhaps having more insight than others. I lacked the insight that there was any other option, having more or less not known anything else. That is why I understood it so well and why I saw no way out.

Those who criticize me for not seeing another option were the same who taught me that I wasn’t capable of living my own life. It becomes wrong as soon as I agree. Those are the rules.

It’s appalling, truly, to remember how obvious it got. I exaggerated the game to the point of comedy. Now is not the time for such examples. Too nauseating, too revealing, too much more space…

But it’s 4am and I’m watching The Pervert’s Guide to Cinema. I know I lose people when I enter this realm. It is an important thing to confront, with or without attention or agreement. To have the other be irrelevant turns this whole thing on its head, after all.


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