You’re suffering from a terminal case of moral integrity.
From Wittgenstein, directed by Derek Jarman
Zizek states that the problem with any movement is when someone becomes too good at its ideology. Perhaps by taking honesty to its extreme, this is what I have done. For it is impossible to both criticize me and say that embracing conflict and honesty are what are most important.
As for being honest about my own experiences, I just lost the energy to hide. For apart from a brief stint in university, there would be nothing left of the past 15 years that I would not have to hide. It is a major role reversal to have others run from me and not me from them. I have my doubts, of course, but far more freedom than I had a year ago. I am writing this to remind myself of why I have done what I have done, just as much as to explain to you. For there appears far too much that I will never be able to successfully explain.
It is a bit of a bad joke that after surviving so much, the world expects us to hide what we have survived in order for them to feel more comfortable.
If you want to be comfortable, stop reading now.
I wanted to write something about how I see the right/wrong subjectivity conversation being used to justify a lack of ethics, but perhaps another day. Remind me.
Even before this mess I was told that my standards of integrity were too high.
Perhaps. But let me tell you, it is better than living in a closet. Comfort is overrated.
I suppose that I have to say something obnoxious to justify telling you to stop reading.
There is plenty more time for that. You are still reading. You deserve some sort of reward.
I did survive. That is what I will leave you with.