Something like a resolution

I’m an exhibitionist who wants to hide, but is unsuccessful at hiding; therefore, somehow I succeed.

David Foster Wallace

I went to The Haven Kids’ show.

I waited for too long for a resolution. At Haven they try to present closure to music with tears and hugs. A part of me might actually prefer this version of closure–the mere emptiness of knowing that I am no longer who I was. And thus, nor is the place the same place.

One person entered the shack of shame (smoke pit) with me. She asked me if I knew a kid in the show, I told her that I once was a kid in the show. Oh, it’s like nostalgic? she asked. Sort of, I said. She also asked if people remembered me….

The subtext in that conversation could write a novel. I love the richness of subtext, that which models all but destroy. Nothing shows who a person is better than what they do not say. I don’t want to live in a world where communication is a formula but, as Darwin said, Half art; half instinct.

It’s always surprising to me who chooses to run from me, who says hi, and who looks straight through me. Not at all who I expected… Of course, I am not very approachable. I am unable to choose if I want to be invisible.

Regardless, no one any longer has power over me, and I am no longer desperate for their approval, to be one of them and not myself.

This smoke is for that kid in the show. I am not sure if I know her anymore. But I want to tell her, you don’t have to choose between running and selling…

Something like nostalgia, you could say.

I remember when I was labeling pictures in exchange for food, at least half had to be named Heron. I kept typing Heroin…

If resolutions came with music, there would be no writing left.

So maybe I shouldn’t have gone through this whole process in public. You probably know by now how I feel about wisdom…

I might go to the next show. See if I can find that kid. I’ve got a lot to tell her…

Closure is best when the door is left partly open.  

Now I must sleep. I have a lot of catching up to do…


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