3am

The Latin root of condescension means we all sink.

Seamus Heaney

I have mostly moved on from this whole thing but tonight I cannot sleep so I am back.

But also, to clarify, I am not looking for a professional relationship. I am looking only to be an equal. Few places I have had to fight to be an equal (family, mental health system, Haven). Most of my complaints were about inequality, it is only that professional structures safeguard against inequality becoming destructive. I have not complained about anyone who lacked professional boundaries but treated me as an equal. However, to build a structure based on the assumption that people are generally capable of doing this is absurd. These people are rare, and I have thanked those personally who I saw as able or willing to do this.

Also to clarify, I do not lack conformity because I am brave. I have a genetic defect where I am unable to conform. It can be an asset but it is not easy. None of this has been easy to me. To lose something that had been a part of my life for so long… Not to mention to watch everyone from within Haven pat each other on the back while I am ignored or even deleted… To watch people I practically grew up with be put on pedestals….

You could give me a million reasons why these people deserve their position that I would agree with. But would they stand up for something that wasn’t right, even if it meant going against the institution? I do not believe so, for I have witnessed many things over the years…

I am not asking for a professional relationship. When I went public, I knew that I was probably giving up the chance of getting another bursary. I am not asking for a pedestal. I am not asking to be liked. I am only asking to exist and if nothing else, hear this:

None of this has been easy.

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